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In this article we will look at what makes the inner critic so powerful and how we can take that power away from it so that we can live a more content and free life, where we fight less against ourselves. We look at the connections between the critic, our beliefs and our fears. There are also examples of how we can integrate what we have learned into our daily lives.

This text is aimed at both beginners and the more experienced, as I believe some of the details are not widely known. On the other hand, this is not a book, so we can only scratch the surface. And I want this to be a kind of pragmatic guide with the bare minimum of theory to understand the concepts.

If you have any questions about the text because some parts are unclear, or if you want to discuss the content, you can contact me via Mastodon, and we can also set up more secure forms of communication if necessary.

What is the inner critic?

Self-doubt, impostor syndrome, perfectionism, and even narcissism or similar traits have a common denominator which is a person's self-esteem or sense of self-worth. And one reason for low self-esteem is a strong inner critic and vice versa.

The inner critic is a psychological concept or model that describes a part of your personality that, well, criticises you to varying degrees. Like all models, it is only an approximation of reality, but it certainly helps to understand it.

In its worst and most pathological form, it is out to attack and demean you. It's the little voice in your head that tells you all the bad things about yourself, like 'you're not good enough', 'you can't do it', 'you're not worth it', 'you don't deserve it' and so on. But at its best, it can also become your friend and advisor, giving you constructive advice about what to watch out for or what you could have done better.

Basically, in its original form, the inner critic is nothing more than a protective mechanism. If you think in evolutionary terms, that humans had a greater chance of survival in groups, then the inner critic is a mechanism to help you fit into a group and stay in that social circle. And also to stop you from trying out new and possibly dangerous things, to avoid risks and mistakes and so on.

However, because of bad childhood experiences or through the acquisition of negative core beliefs, the inner critic can become a fierce enemy and make our lives a living hell. What used to protect you in the past has now become a major obstacle to your happiness.

I don't want to go into the details of bad childhood experiences here, as that is clearly beyond the scope of this article, although it may help to understand how the critic came to be. Instead, I want to say a few words about these negative core beliefs.

What are negative core beliefs?

Core beliefs are beliefs that are deeply rooted in our subconscious and that we accept as 100% true without question. We are usually unaware of them until we really start to look at them. Some are easily resolved once we recognise them because they are simply blatantly false. But it can also take years to bring them all to light and either resolve them or replace negative beliefs with positive ones.

Core beliefs have some distinctive characteristics in the way they are formulated, which you can use to identify them. Some beliefs generalise, exaggerate and deal in absolutes, sometimes using words like 'always' or 'never'. Some examples: – Nobody likes me. – The whole world is against me. – I always have bad luck.

Of course, most beliefs refer to yourself as a person, starting with 'I am ...' or similar: – I will never find a partner. – I am never good enough. – I am a loser.

Other beliefs use the if-then pattern or state conditions that must be met: – If I find a new job, I will be happy. – If I find a new partner, I will be happy. – I have to learn ... before I will be able to do ...

These conditional beliefs may not sound bad at first, but in reality they are nothing but a trap, because they make you believe that the opposite is true until the condition is fulfilled. Or maybe not even then. For example, the first one might make you believe that you will have no chance of being happy until you get a new job or whatever abstract external factor is mentioned.

This was just a quick introduction to beliefs, you can find many more examples on the internet. And if you read some core beliefs that somehow resonate with you or evoke an emotional response, that's your first clue to take a closer look and try to challenge them. Check them for truth, try to find counter-examples or ask others for a second opinion. Especially if the difference between how you see yourself and how others see you is important, dare to ask for feedback.

The important point is: The inner critic will use your negative beliefs against you. If you start to work on them, you will slowly take away its ammunition.

For example, if you have the belief 'I'm not good enough' your inner critic will tell you 'You're not good enough' and hit you where it hurts, because it knows all your weaknesses.

Beliefs are not always an inner voice or a thought. Sometimes we even say them out loud to other people. Imagine your boss offers you a job with more responsibility, but you turn it down because you think you are not good enough. Obviously, your boss had a different opinion of you, otherwise he would not have made the offer.

It is therefore helpful to pay attention not only to your thoughts, but also to your words, in order to identify beliefs based on the above patterns. This is important in dealing with any form of your inner critic.

How can I defeat my inner critic?

Is your inner critic one of the worst kind, always bringing apocalypse upon you, and you fight it as best you can, while drowning in self-doubt and fear, and then you ask yourself how the hell can I finally defeat it? You can't. Period. That is the most important thing to realise and accept.

You have to stop fighting it, because that's its game. And it's a twisted game to boot. It wants you to fight it, because that makes it stronger. It wants your sole attention, your focus and your energy. It feasts on your suffering and on your despair. It will do everything it can to make you fail as miserably as possible, as often as possible. It wants you to give up. And its ultimate goal is to destroy you. [^1] And yet it is a part of you. If you fight it, you are fighting a part of yourself. And if you fight yourself, who do you think will win in the end?

Now you may ask, what other options do I have? If I don't fight it, can't I just ignore it and not listen to its poison? That's still better than fighting it, but it won't work in the long run. It will find other ways to make your life miserable because it wants your attention. Remember that deep down it still wants to protect you, but it is hurt and has chosen the destructive path of the Sith. The best thing to do is to listen to it and then say something to it, such as:

“Thanks for telling me your opinion. I hear what you are saying, but I don't believe it. I love myself.”

If those last three words have hit you and you think you can't say it, because you feel you don't believe it, that's OK. You'll get there eventually and with time. You can change the last part to something that's easier for you to believe, like “I'm good the way I am” or something similar that feels right for you. Just try to end on some kind of positive note that lifts you up. But that's still optional, the important thing is to actively listen to the critic, give it your attention, and then make it clear that you don't believe its crap. Break the chains of blind trust. You are not the words of your inner critic.

Fear of rejection

This is probably one of the most common fears for most people. We often think about how other people might evaluate or judge us, our work or our art, especially if we've put our heart and soul into it. The fear of our work not being liked is equated to the fear of not being liked as a person. Fear of failure goes in the same direction.

But there is a difference between being liked and being praised. We get praise for something we have done. A typical sentence for praise is: “You did that well”. But we are liked because we are there. The typical sentence is: “It's nice that you are here.” Can you see the difference?

In our meritocracy, many people are trained from an early age that we are only liked when we perform, and later as adults we confuse performance with love. This causes some people to race straight into burnout. So this leads us to another negative core belief that we can resolve: “If I perform, I will be loved”. It's better to replace that with something like: “I am loved for who I am.” That's easier said than done, I know, but awareness is the first step.

Going back to the inner critic, the fear of rejection is not really the fear of being rejected by others. That is just a projection in which we attribute our own characteristics to other people. The real fear is what our inner critic will do to us if someone doesn't like what we've done or if we've failed at a task.

And that was probably the most important paragraph in the whole article. Please read it again.

The fear of rejection is in fact the fear of self-rejection. The more we reject and don't accept ourselves, the more we fear the rejection from others. We know what our inner critic is capable of, how it can torment us, and unconsciously, we project this capability onto others. This also means that we give other people power over us that they should not have.

The way out

OK, so we have had a bit of theory and tried to look at different things and how they relate to each other. But just knowing about them is not enough. In fact, rationalising and thinking about your feelings can be a protection mechanism in itself, because it keeps you away from them. If you want to change something for the better, you have to go and do something, get some experience.

That's why I'm going to suggest a few things that you can actually do that are related to the various issues mentioned above.

How to take a compliment

Before I move on to the more extensive exercises, a brief comment on compliments. If you are no stranger to a bad inner critic or impostor syndrome, you are probably familiar with the following pattern of behaviour.

If someone gives you a compliment or praise [^2] and you tend to talk it down, stop. Stop saying things like: “Oh, that was nothing special.” Stop belittling yourself. Just say “Thank you!” and then accept the praise and be happy about it. For once, believe that it might be true. Also, if you immediately return a compliment, you are only distracting yourself from the one you have received, because it makes you feel uncomfortable. Give compliments when you mean to, but not in response to someone else's.

This is one of the small things you can change that will definitely have a positive effect on your self-esteem over time.

How to find a core belief

This exercise is suitable for beginners. Please read this completely before starting. I would like to invite you to find one of your core beliefs about how you see yourself. Make yourself comfortable. You can do this in a sitting position or while lying down. Turn off any distractions, such as your mobile phone. And take your time. It may take just 10 minutes, or 30 minutes or more. Don't stress yourself out. You can put on some soothing music if you like. Anything that helps you relax is good.

When you're comfortable, close your eyes and start breathing slowly and deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth. And try to breathe deeply into your belly, not your chest. Then try to feel all the parts of your body. How do your feet and legs feel? How about your knees, your thighs? Pay attention to them for a while and move your focus through your whole body from toe to head. Just observe.

Then put your hand on your belly and ask yourself the following question: “How do I see myself deep inside?” Repeat this question from time to time. Don't try to force or expect an answer, and don't try to think about it. If you keep asking, your subconscious mind may give you the answer. Just keep asking. If your mind wanders and you start thinking about other things, just stay relaxed, keep breathing deeply and repeat the question again.

A possible answer will probably start with: “I am ...”. And it will feel like an absolute truth, even though you know it isn't. If you don't get an answer, that's OK. Maybe it was not the right time, or you are too busy with other things. Just try another day. Don't scold yourself if it doesn't work. Sometimes it might take a bit of practice.

And if you do get an answer, and it was the first time you experienced this, congratulations.

Exercises for fear of rejection / fear of failure

The only way to deal with fear is to face it. You cannot run away from yourself, no matter how hard and long you try. It's better to see your fears as a kind of signpost, kindly showing you the way.

And if one of your fears is too big for you to face at the moment, and it might even lead to something like a panic attack, breathe and relax, take baby steps, try smaller things that go in the same direction first. If you don't feel ready to jump off the three-metre board, then jump off the one-metre board and build up from there.

Here is a list of some ideas: * Go to a karaoke bar with your friends and sing in front of an audience. Leave out the alcohol, because it suppresses the things you need to feel. Have fun. * Try improvisational theatre. * Give sincere compliments to strangers. * Next level: Give sincere compliments to strangers you find attractive. * For the perfectionists: Send your next email with extra typos. Or try making other small mistakes on purpose and see what happens. Dare to be only 90% perfect. * Try negotiating with your boss for a pay rise, or with a client about your fees. Even if it doesn't work out, at least you tried and faced the possibility of rejection. That's something to be proud of. * Is there an underlying conflict in the air with someone close to you? Good, bring it up and talk about it.

Well, you get the gist of it, and I'm sure you can come up with your own list of things you may have been avoiding out of fear.

I don't like the phrase getting out of your comfort zone, but what actually happens when you do that and confront your fears, is that you get more room to manoeuvre and a greater sense of freedom.

Conclusion

Let's all take a deep breath. That was a lot of condensed content, based on over a decade of experience in dealing with these issues. Thank you for reading and I hope you can now look at your inner critic with slightly different eyes.

Keep listening to it. Over time you may be surprised at how much it changes (because you have changed) and sometimes you may even get some wise advice for which you can be grateful. There may be setbacks where it falls back into old patterns. But this is normal and to be expected. It happens in all the best relationships. But now you know what to do.

If you liked this post and would like me to follow-up on certain aspects, please let me know. I am also curious about other people's experiences with their inner critic, so please share your stories.

Footnotes: [^1]: If this sounds eerily familiar to the devil in Christianity, you've identified one of the greatest projections in human history. Although the inner critic is only part of it. [^2]: The culture of praise and recognition is very different in different countries. While Americans tend to praise everything, in European countries praise is given much more rarely. In Germany we have a saying: “No complaining is praise enough”. So your experiences may differ.

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This work by Marc Riese is licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0